Disciplining Children

Recently I was talking to a couple of young dads and listening to the uncertainties surrounding the use of corporal punishment. This is an issue I have discussed with many fathers and mothers over the years…comparing notes so to speak...learning what works and what doesn't. And it is an issue with which I am personally familiar on account of being a father.

I will share my perspective and the lessons I have learned, in hope that someone reading this will find some wisdom in it that will help improve things between their children and them.

The Security of Consistent Parental Involvement

Children, like all of us, need security. It is a basic human need, and it gets satisfied by love. Have you ever had someone claim to love you, but they give you no attention and do not have actions that show that they care? It’s hollow, it’s fake, and you don’t buy it, right? Children need actions to know they are loved, and those actions are about being involved in their lives with the effort and detailed caring that is reflected in guiding them and helping them correct their path. A child who is allowed to do as he pleases will not feel loved and will not develop a strong sense of self worth. Furthermore, if that continues, he will grow up with little sense of what love really is. (One of the advantages of being in your sixties and of knowing many people that you have known for decades is to watch how people grow.)

Parenting, to be effective, includes discipline, but in small doses. A child needs much more affection than he needs discipline, but he does need discipline. I estimate at least a 90/10 split in favor of affection --- both physical affection and endearing words of affirmation and appreciation.

To be meaningful, discipline needs to be predictable, consistent, and reliable. Have you ever seen a parent threaten punishment? “You stop that by the time I count to 10, or else.”  “….9….10….11…”  Children need to stop instantly when told to and they need to know the result if they don’t. You are doing your child no favor by the counting or by not following through with immediate punishment. When you are inconsistent, the child knows you don’t mean it. And my impression is that sub-consciously he gets that you don’t care enough or that you are not strong enough to punish. Either perception leads to insecurity.

No, stop threatening (which does not help him feel secure) and start doing. When you child runs towards a street that has busy traffic, if you haven’t taught him to obey instantly when you say “Stop”, what do you suppose the outcome may be?

The Security of Boundaries

A child needs boundaries (for behavior) to feel safe. The boundaries tell him that things will be alright if he stays within them. Of course, he may want to test them. That is because he is testing the one who set them. Your child doesn’t want you to give way. He wants those boundaries to hold firm, and he tests them to satisfy himself that they (and you) will not fail him. It is a security issue. Your job, as parent, is to love your child enough to keep those boundaries in place.

This doesn’t mean you always say No. When my kids were young, I sought to say Yes, but I wanted to do that without making them insecure about the boundaries (and hence their parents). So I looked for ways to say Yes that would still keep the boundaries intact.

I think these methodologies and philosophy work because each of our children is respectful, well-liked by peers and elders, caring, and affectionate, and they each have a very strong and actively involved relationship with their parents.

Guidelines for Spanking

Now, with that background, let’s get back to the issue of corporal punishment. Kids have differing temperaments. They require different forms of punishment. Our eldest seemed to respond to corporal punishment, so he got it more than the others. Our second responded to reasoning, but to corporal punishment for rare outright rebellion. Some say you can’t reason with a child. Not so. The next one responded not at all to corporal punishment, so he got very little. The way to him is through his natural empathy and his love of order (he likes rules).

Corporal punishment --- and by that, I mean spanking --- should NEVER be done in anger. My rule was that if I was angry, I didn’t do it. It needs to be administered with a clear head and a loving heart. And it must NEVER be anywhere other than the buttocks.  They are well padded. Anywhere else risks injury. For very young children, you can use two fingers instead of your whole hand. Just enough to sting a bit. Never spank a child that is younger than two years old. Two and a half is probably better. Younger than that and they do not have the brain development to provide the cognizance needed for the spanking to be useful. The idea of a spanking is to get their attention and compliance with expectations that are for their own benefit.   

Children make mistakes, and that is not the same as rebellion.  They can learn from their mistakes, often with some reasoning and affectionate assurances. Rebellion is typically broken with a spanking though. Once the rebellion ceases, the mind can focus on constructive learning.

I reiterate: your child needs MUCH more affection than discipline, and discipline ought to be consistent, predictable and never involve anger nor any part of the child’s body other than the buttocks, followed by profuse hugs when the commotion has died down.